This post is being written and posted from my phone, so please ignore the lack of formatting etc. I’m at the stage where I just have to be brave and talk because I need support and talking is the only way to get it.
So two weeks ago I was in a job that, whilst it wasn’t my dream, was decent and involved working with people I got on well with. A week ago, unexpectedly, that job ended. I (and everyone else, to be fair) had thought I was there until next September. But due to reasons beyond mine and the companies control, the job ended far earlier. That’s okay, it happens. And I was absolutely fine about it. I knew I’d get some temping work soon. I knew I had a week and a half holiday pay to come anyway. I knew I am lucky enough to be living with my parents at the moment so won’t starve or lose my home. It’s okay.
But. It’s not okay. My anxiety has, largely, been very much improved recently-with the exception of one mega panic attack at work a few weeks ago, causing me to have to leave for fifteen minutes to go home to collect my Kalms. Kudos to my boss for suggesting that and for not making it into a big deal, and basically saying any time I needed to do that it is no problem, just tell her. I wish everyone was like that!
Okay so, anxiety largely okay. Life is good, right? Well, no. I am heading back down into depression territory. Now, I’ve been diagnosed before with ‘depressive symptoms’ and therefore feel that my depression experience has so far been mild. I KNOW others have it worse and I am in no way saying different. This is MY experience only. I’ve had the last month or so, maybe longer, of struggling to sleep, having no motivation , being very easily distracted, tired (don’t you just love the tired but can’t sleep thing? Ace isn’t it) I’m pretty sure that’s heading towards depression. And this week has been much harder-because I’ve not had to go to work, so I’m out of that routine.
My anxiety has been horrible this week too. I’d say 9/10 most of the time and I can’t shake it. I’ve actually been having a permanent panic attack but that’s been normal this week. Normal but very much not fun. I’m not sleeping well, I’ve achieved nothing, I’m barely eating just because I’m not interested in food. I’ve lost half a stone this week which is good for my too high BMI but isn’t really healthy. I just can’t get food down without feeling so sick. And I am not interested in my usual junk food loves.
And there’s someone in my life, an old friend, I’ve recently reconnected with. This week we’ve seen each other a few times, and I’m really enjoying his company. I don’t know whether it’s friends catching up or the potential for something more and usually that wouldn’t bother me-I’m happy to see what happens. This week though I am getting really cross with myself because I am worrying like mad about the fact he didn’t text me yesterday and hasn’t today-poor guy has done nothing wrong and my brain is going ‘well obviously he hates you and you’ll never hear from him again!’ Thanks, anxiety.
So. I’m going to do three things, to try and improve this:
1) Arrange to see a doctor on Monday, ideally.
2) Give myself three small things to achieve each day. Not gonna lie, I don’t want to get out of bed today so goals will be shower, get dressed, eat something.
3) Presuming the silence is because he’s a normal person with a life and stuff to do (which I am pretty sure is the case) I’m going to speak to the lovely man in question about how I’m feeling. I’m pretty sure he will want to help, but he can’t if he doesn’t know. Update-he text me earlier and I feel better about this part of things. Hooray!
Sorry this is a bit of a rubbish post!