I’ve had a rubbish couple of weeks, anxiety wise, and whilst failing to sleep on Friday night after a really awful day (one and a half hours of crying in the toilets at work, behind a locked door because I felt slightly safer there-I’ll admit, I’ve definitely been better!) I wrote some notes on my phone. Those notes turned into more comprehensive notes on Saturday after I got a couple of hours of rest, and then I decided I wanted to put them into a post. I wanted to share with you how anxiety is, for me.
Disclaimer-this is in no way me saying this is how anxiety is for everyone. We are all different, this is just MY thoughts and feelings.
Knowing everyone is talking about you, even when they say they’re not. It’s being completely sure that they all hate you. Even the one who you hang out with in your free time or the one who messages you and appears to be a good friend.
Crying, or being shouty, when feeling attacked. It’s hiding in a locked toilet cubicle for an hour and a half because it’s too scary to go back out there and you can’t leave the building because your phone and keys are on your desk and you can’t go back out there
It’s knowing everyone is staring at you when you finally leave the bathroom. It’s spending the whole day feeling like you’re drugged, like the room is still spinning and like you could sleep for a week, after a panic attack
Someone telling you not to worry about things-because that makes it all better, doesn’t it? I just needed to remember not to worry! It’s desperately wanting someone, anyone to help you and not knowing what you want them to do to help-so how on earth are THEY supposed to know?
It’s being frozen to the spot, knowing you need to take yourself away and try to calm down and being unable to move. It’s your boss and your team leader sat in room staring at you (or you assume they are, as your eyes are glued to the piece of paper you’ve been staring at since the panic attack started, and you can’t see them) as you try not to get even more worked up, and you know they can see you are. It’s not being able to find the words to say you need to leave. It’s trying not to throw up or pass out, or run away.
Something many people just don’t understand, because they can’t SEE something wrong. It’s three things you can touch, three things you can hear, three things you can see-over and over until you run out of things and it’s no better. It’s looking at someone else and just KNOWING they feel it too.
Being convinced that every text a friend sends is them cancelling your plans, even if they never have before. It’s having a panic attack about your last panic attack, and being incredibly worried about facing the person who saw you have your last panic attack when you haven’t seen them since.
It’s a condition that makes me stronger, but right now I’m not feeling so strong.
I won’t lie, I’m very nervous about posting this. But I’ve seen bloggers share their own, very personal, mental health stories and if they can be that strong, so can I. So this is going up, please be kind.
Also guys, I just want you to know, my inbox is always open. If you need to talk, I will listen. Hit me up.