I went on a Bonkers Minicruise a few weeks ago, from Hull to Amsterdam. On the way home, on my way to quickly look at the deck before going to bed, I got talking to two men. We’ll call them Dave and Graham (okay, that’s their actual names-but Graham is innocent in this story and I refuse to change names to protect the guilty!) and I can’t remember WHY we started talking, but we did. This is the story of my meeting a man on a boat.
Three hours after meeting a man on a boat, after drunk me said ‘hey, lets sit down!’ and we talked for ages, I went to bed-with Dave’s number in my phone, mine in his, and a promise of a night out at my favourite Darlington bar, Avalon, for the future. And that was that, as far as I was concerned. Apart from, it wasn’t.
We bumped into the guys the next morning, queuing for passport control, and Dave commented on the fact I’d not text him. So, once I’d driven home and had a sleep, I did. A little bit of flirting happened (though the guy was so boring!) and we arranged a date to meet up in Darlington-the 26th February. He booked a hotel room so I could stay over and it was clear he wanted to share the room with me. And then he really slowed down the texting, which put me off-I deserve more effort than someone thinking they’ve got a date so don’t need to bother anymore.
Then, my whatsapp group were told I had a date. And Hayley and Kariss started to play detective, finding Dave on Facebook and linking me to his profile, which was on lockdown. Fine, so’s mine, no big deal. However, I was curious about why he didn’t suggest I stayed at his house, so when I realised we had a mutual friend on Facebook, I messaged her to ask if he had a girlfriend. He does, and she sent me a screenshot of his girlfriend’s status from that day (Saturday 10th February) about their early Valentines celebration. And here’s where I had a frankly brilliant idea-I was going to mess with him a little.
I had three options. Tell him straight away that I knew (no fun) go on the date (no way) or string him along a little before telling him. I decided on the third, and that I should see how many hints I could drop before he realised. Turns out, the answer was quite a few, as he’s clueless!
He asked me if I like champagne (I don’t) so I said I loved a bottle of Verve Clicquot (which is what he bought his girlfriend for their early Valentines date, along with strawberries and cream). He said oh that’s my favourite, along with strawberries and cream. The guy has zero imagnation. Anyway the facebook status said he’d forgotten glasses so they had to drink out of mugs, so I suggested we needed to bring glasses as our hotel probably wouldn’t have them. He still didn’t click on that I knew anything-I eyerolled so much.
Then I was about to give up and just tell him, because he was so boring, and barely texting me-it wasn’t funny anymore, just a chore. And then, he sent me a dick pic. A terrible one (though, lets face it-unsolicited photos of your genitals are never received well-why do men think this is acceptable?) and so this gave me the chance to send a response I’m very proud of:
‘That’s not the best angle-can you ask Tracey to take a better one?’
I got a boring reply back about how he got my meaning and, well, I’m glad that one’s over. I find the whole thing hilarious and hey, it gave me a blog post so-cheers Dave!
If you’re hoping to find someone who’s a bit less of a loser, I’d suggest not meeting a man on a boat-how about online dating? You could try London singles, Highlands singles, Surrey singles, Tayside singles or Glasgow singles and lets hope the person you start talking to is a bit more interesting, and a bit more single!
*This is a sponsored post which I’ve been paid to write, however all words, thoughts and dating disasters are my own (sadly!)