This is a post I’ve started writing a fair bit but up until now hadn’t carried on with, for a few reasons. I’d like to make it very clear that none of these reasons are the man involved, and in the end I decided my blog, my rules, right? Writing is like therapy for me, as I know it is for a lot of us, so yeah-I’m writing my truth. Well, THE truth, but he would paint an entirely different picture, of course. Yep, I’m finally talking about how it feels
realising your relationship was a lie.
On the 29th March 2019 I started a relationship with a close friend, someone I’ve known for about 5 years now. He’s gone through some horrible stuff and I initially went down to Cardiff, where he’s from and lives, so catch up with my friend, but we very quickly fell in love. I started spending all my free time down there with him (mostly inside the house he was lodging in, because we never went out-he said due to his mental health) and I also started spending a lot of my wage on either getting to him, or helping him pay for food, fags, and sometimes homeless hostels when he fell out with the person he was staying with. I felt happy, secure, we had a future planned-we’d even chosen the names for our children. I met one of his children, his brother, and he met my parents and my best friend. Things were looking great.
Then in November (the 16th, the day after he got paid) we spoke on the phone as normal. He was talking about coming up to me the following weekend (incredibly rare, despite my Fibromyalgia I had to do all of the travelling apart from three occasions in seven and a half months that he came up, which obviously I paid for, or drove the 440 mile round trip to pick him up) and he was taking me, my Grandma and my Parents out for lunch. I went to my Godmothers house, he was in hospital for some tests, we said ‘I love you’ as the call ended and promised to speak to later. Then he sent an attachment on Facebook messenger shortly before midnight, removed it, then blocked me sometime between then and eight o’clock the next morning. That was it, my relationship was over.
It turns out, and I will go into this further in a future post when I’m ready to share it, he’s a complete Narcissist. If you google the definition, I go down the list going ‘yep, tick, yes he did that, oh THAT is why he used to do that, yes that sounds familiar…’it’s kind of scary how textbook he is. Since the dumping (which, by the way, is an absolutely disgusting way to treat ANYONE, let alone your girlfriend of over 7 months, friend for 5 years, who has given everything she had to help and support you, even happily agreeing for you to move into the house with her that she was buying) I’ve found out a little bit of the truth. I don’t think I’ll ever fully find out everything.
Turns out that for the entire time he was seeing me, he was seeing someone else. He said he wasn’t seeing her all along, just at the beginning and the end, but given how he lied about being with ME all along to his child’s Mum, I suspect he’s also lying about how long he’s been with her) it also turns out that he never actually loved me, he was using me for money, for shelter (weirdly the majority of our time together he was lodging somewhere so the shelter thing doesn’t ring true for me) and, I suspect, for an ego boost. He probably loved watching me put him first always, no matter how badly my Fibro was flaring or how little money I had, I made sure he ate, drove down to him to make sure he was okay, I even leant him my tablet which he is yet to return, and he still owes me £150 too.
Realising your relationship was a lie is pretty traumatic, if I’m honest. It’s affected me badly for the last 10 weeks and continues to. My Fibromyalgia flares are regular and bad, when a few months ago they were rare and not as bad. I question my own judgement a lot, I don’t trust that anyone means what they say no matter how long I’ve known them-I so hope that gets better because being so suspicious isn’t me.
It’s been a very weird time and I don’t think it’s going to get easier soon, but I’m slowly plodding along, planning some really good things and pushing myself forward and you know what? Despite him and his actions, I WILL be okay.
If you find yourself in this situation I have a few pieces of advice, based on my experience. It’s what I wish people had told me all along (some people did, to be fair) Firstly, remember it is NOT your fault. You have done nothing wrong, and not realising you were living a lie does not make you a bad person. Secondly, you WILL move on from this. One day you can’t stop crying and the next, you go to bed and realise you haven’t cried that day. A few weeks later your boss will tell you you really seem to have turned a corner and you realise you HAVE turned a corner. This gets better, I promise.