I didn’t intend to write this post but I’ve just been doing some chatty Instagram stories where I’ve alluded to it. It’s made me want to get the words out. Whether or not I’ll post this, who knows? (Turns out I am posting it, months later, when I feel ready to share, as my mental health posts always seem to do quite well-talking about this stuff is important!) I wanted to talk about a time my mental health wasn’t great, and how that let to me being signed off with depression.
This story starts a couple of years ago now. I wrote a list of 2021 goals on January 1st, really excited to get back to writing. I was a year and a bit out of an abusive relationship, I was feeling far more like myself, in fact I was feeling great. I’d had a really good year at work after throwing myself into my job as a way to cope with the rest of my life falling apart (DO NOT recommend breakups and pandemics in one go!). I’d been sorting out my mental health, getting fitter and travelling again. I hadn’t talked about any goals I had for Inside Laura’s Head, I’m not sure why, but I wanted to get back to writing regularly, promoting my content properly and pitching to work with brands again. I had really positive thoughts for the rest of the year. Unfortunately, life had other plans, and a few months later I ended up signed off with depression.
A lot of the things I’d experienced during the abusive relationship, such as constant negativity, gaslighting and the negative impact on my mental and physical health, started happening in another area of my life. I recognised it, I tried to speak to the person, I asked for help, and then it didn’t get any better. I started to believe the things I was being told, and when you start to believe you’re not good enough, you start to act that way too. You make silly mistakes, then you’re told you’ve made a silly mistake, and this escalates. My god does it escalate. This went on for about 10 months, in the end, and I didn’t realise how little I was coping-washing up was constantly piled up, the house was a mess, I didn’t eat often and when I did I binged on junk, and I felt physically awful constantly. It impacted work, my friendships, my volunteer role, even things like my love of photography and reading. It was ridiculous how bad things got for me.
One day, whilst speaking to my Mum about what had happened that day during my 15 minute break at work, I started crying. This was a regular, multiple times a day occurrence at this point but the difference on this day was once I started, I couldn’t stop. I cried through all of my 15 minute break and then I went back to my desk to start taking calls and still couldn’t stop. An hour later I still couldn’t stop. I quickly realised I wasn’t well enough to be at work and so I tracked down a manager, told them a quick overview of how I was feeling and that I was ending my shift for the day and ringing my doctor in the morning.
I spent the night tossing and turning, failing to get to sleep, crying a lot and worrying about ringing the doctor. Sleepless nights by this point weren’t uncommon but I usually got a couple of hours in the end. I remember failing to get any sleep at all on this particular night, and was worrying about work the next morning. This was when I realised I wouldn’t be going to work the next morning, or for a while.
Speaking to my doctor was really scary, but she listened and she took me seriously. She was instantly sympathetic, gave me a sick note, gave me some advice on self referring for counselling if I felt I needed it, and agreed with me that the thing I really needed to do was cut out that negative person. And so I did. I put in the time and effort to make sure she would no longer be in my life, which wasn’t easy, and wouldn’t have been possible for everyone, but I was lucky it became possible for me. Don’t get me wrong, even that wasn’t an instant fix, and even now I react differently to things than a person with a healthier brain would, but I think that’s normal for the situation.
I was away from work for 10 weeks in the end. Being honest, that should have been longer but due to finances longer wasn’t an option. I couldn’t let the toxic person make me lose my house, which ultimately would have been the outcome if I’d had as much time off as my mental health needed, so I went back to work, to a supportive manager who helped me through and still does, and a year on I’m doing much, much better. She was so understanding after hearing my story and why I’d been signed off with depression, and she remains a friend now.
Never be afraid to reach out and ask for help. It turns out that when you do, help and support is there, and although it feels like things will never get better, they do. Slowly, when you least expect it, you find yourself singing along to the radio again, smiling at a dog, dancing around the kitchen, and just happier. And, hopefully, that keeps happening for you too. Being signed off with depression, in my opinion, is just the start of getting better-I got there, and if you’re feeling this way now, you will too.
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